Saturday, November 03, 2007

sleepus interruptus

Last night I suddenly woke up. I was not having a bad dream or anything. My eyelids just popped open at exactly 2:37 am. My heart was not pounding. I was not sweating. No, I definitely wasn’t having a wet dream. So why the hell was I up at 2:37 in the morning?

Something must be wrong

Because I am really a melodramatic woman disguised as a tough cookie, I finally gave up trying to sleep under my newly washed red sheets. I got up, washed my face, and faced the spectacle head on.

I opened my filing cabinet and looked at all my bills. Nothing was unpaid. I re-read my insurance policy. It’s updated. I went online and checked stock performance. It was fine. My life appeared to be in order. I had absolutely no right to be up in the middle of the night.

I googled self-help stuff, and of course I got answers. One website suggested that interrupted sleep was usually caused by unresolved issues. It said that I needed to evaluate my life to see what’s wrong.

Here comes overanalysis

The website also said that the number one cause of stress for most people was

‘money.’

So, I made some tea and brought out my bank statements and calculator. After about 20 minutes of fumbling through numbers, I came to this conclusion: It can’t be money. By Manila standards, I’m living the sweet life. I’m worth a few million PhP (which is really just a few thousand USD, so don’t ask me for money). I have a home and a nice-y car. Never mind that I occasionally eat ramen when I spend a little too much on a designer bag. Most days, I feel pretty lucky. You see, I’m pretty good with money. And that’s very impressive for someone who almost failed algebra.

So maybe it’s not money that’s keeping me up. I scrolled down to the second sleep-interrupting stressor and it said

‘health.’

Maybe I’m pallid? Maybe my body is trying to tell me something? This is possible, sure, but at this point in my life, it doesn’t make sense. I have been running regularly. I’m no health buff but I get my cardio. I certainly don’t have problems doing moderate to vigorous activities. So if it’s not health, what the hell could it be?

‘sex?’

That must be it. It has been a month since I last fucked, but that’s nothing new. I only fuck once a month, when I’m safe. And I know how to pleasure myself. This can’t be because of lack of orgasm. Could it be

‘love?’

I don’t think so. The last time I checked, my boyfriend is still the same reliable programmer/owner of a company who dotes on me and drives me around and gets my dry cleaning. I am jealous of his new computer games, but whatever. Oh and he’s always late.

Maybe it’s my

‘diet.’

I’ve been eating to much spicy stuff lately. Vietnamese noodle soup, Indian curry, spicy burritos – if it’s hot, I’ll put it in my mouth. This still doesn’t make sense, though. If spicy foods could interrupt slumber, does Thailand ever sleep?

No way out

And so at around 3:30, I gave up on ever going back to sleep. I watched cable and rearranged my designer handbags/luggage, carefully taking each one out from their dust bags and then even more carefully putting them back in. I haven’t even used my Lancel and my Mulberry. I’m really wasting all this fashion.

And then it hit me. My life is in order, but will my death be?

And so I made a

‘will.’

That was it.

I started typing surreal words like, “All proceeds of my life insurance…” “All moneys invested in equities, securities, savings, and other investment vehicles…”

and

“My Executor and alternate shall have all powers granted by applicable laws to carry out all provisions of this Will, may use provisions and procedures for the simplified handling of estates, and shall not be required to post a bond….”

I finished drafting after about an hour. Now all I need to do is have two witnesses sign it and have it notarized by my lawyer. Right about this time, I started getting sleepy.

The moment I finished my will, I realized that I don’t really have much. I don’t have cows or handmade furniture or anything sentimental to leave to anyone.

I slept at 5 am. I’ve never felt better.

Maybe all I needed was to realize that there’s more to life than just balancing check books and eating spicy food. I now have reason to sleep, because there’s a lot I need to be up for.

4 Comments:

Anonymous barrycade said...

ey, i can sign as witness to your Will. i'll do it if only to remind you of the pact we made inside the tricycle in laguna. hahaha :P

12:11 PM  
Blogger {illyria} said...

toldja there's nothing like sleep.

7:36 PM  
Blogger bismuth said...

we're getting older- having all these realizations. you know that i've been up since 11:30pm last night? i couldn't sleep and i'm not sleepy either. but hey, don't you forget about leaving a bag for me in your will.

6:16 PM  
Blogger mussolini said...

barrycade - i remember, of course. but i already asked two of our employees to sign as witnesses. tell you what. i'm planning to draft a living will (in case i become permanently unconscious and cannot participate in decisions regarding what kind of medical care/treatments should be given to me). i will make you sign as witness to that.

illyria - there's nothing like that fleeting moment right before sleep.

bismuth - we're three years away from 30. i want to vomit. ah, thirtysomethinghood. i want to just skip to 40. the third decade of a lifetime is always awkward, i hear. it's when you will realize everything that's missing. it's when you will disappoint your parents for choosing a less conventional life path (child-free, maybe husband-free). it's when you can't eat cheesecake without gaining weight. i hate the 30's.

1:35 PM  

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