Thursday, June 12, 2008

guilt and independence

In this third world country, many parents still feel very (very) bad when their children leave the nest. I know that my dad is extremely sad that I moved out, but we just don't see eye to eye on things anymore. I don't want to live with him - someone for whom I have lost respect - even if I did pay for half of the house and am the legal owner. I hate him right now for behaving like kid, and I would really rather not see him everyday.

However, I feel a profound guilt. Since my mom died, there was just the two of us. I feel like I have abandoned him, and it makes me sad.

Where/How I live now:

Still, when I replay our arguments in my head, I am convinced that moving out is best, at least for now. One day, depending on how things go, I may buy him a new house near my old house where I plan to return - I won't have to see him everyday, but I won't feel like I have completely abandoned him. If things get worse, though, I may need to completely detach myself and just never look back.

Nothing is certain yet. The only thing I am sure of right now is that I coudl not live there anymore. I need the space. I need the experience of being my own person, away from my only living parent's influence.

The thing about me is that I can be very mean and I can think of multiple ways to punish/ intimidate/make a person fear me, and I actually implement my plans. That has always been the way I did things in business, whenever necessary. With friends and family, it's different. There's always guilt. And guilt is not only unsettling - it can also be expensive. The only reason I have not evicted him from the house - which I can sell for a nice yield - is guilt.

Family is a very tricky subject, and is also very unprofitable.


Blogger {illyria} said...

i say, you're right. give it time. this thing that happened is still, in many ways, a good and enlightening experience, even if you didn't ask for it.

4:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

that's it. you said the word for me. i can actually afford to live on my own if i really want to, but guilt holds me back. ahh, we're nice kids like that.

anyway, i don't know half of your argument with your dad, but i think that what he does now just needs some getting used to on your part. i'm not saying your points aren't valid; they are. it's just that your dad needs to move on and do whatever it is that makes him happy, even if you don't totally agree.

okay, i should really stop.

4:45 PM  
Anonymous acey said...

oh gosh, i see myself in this post, mussolinni! i feel for you, truly. but as much as i really, really move out right now, i can't. and it's something very deep and extremely hard to explain. plus, i don't have enough money yet! hehe.

i honestly see that you're a strong person. i know how some filipino dads can be...

and i envy you for your guts to leave him. maybe life made you finally (temporarily) leave for a reason. perhaps his solitude will make him see how he's been to you, make him understand something important about your relationship as family and how messed up our culture here is.

your new fan,

(hehe! thank you so very much for dropping by my little blog! your bed isso fabulous!)

12:28 PM  
Blogger mussolini said...

illy> i sit on my (big) bed sometimes looking for some sort of enlightenment, but all i can think of is the latest gucci boston bag. no enlightenment re: family. not even one bit. even in my solitude, i'm very shallow.

barry> i thought i would be cool with it, until it happened. you have no idea how it feels when your mother gets replaced by a gold-digging woman with a fake designer bag. it felt like my mom died all over again. you will never appreciate how feels, and i would not wish that you ever do.

acey> i saw your comment in barry's blog and was amused by your posts. i'll go there from now on :) oh and the bed is the only nice thing in the room, but it is too close to the sink (ala mr. bean hahahaha). dividers are coming. meanwhile i pretend that i'm a starving artist in a soho loft.

1:35 PM  
Blogger bismuth said...

it's no coincidence that your blogpost happens to be dated june 12- independence day pare. emancipation, is always the best cure. emancipate yourself from guilt, from regret, from what people say you should and should not believe in. i want a big bed like that. and yes, moving out is the best thing for you now. you need that.

8:15 PM  

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