Thursday, June 26, 2008

i usually decide faster

I am in between sadness and apathy, and reading 'enlightening' books or looking at 'moving' art only seems to make my indecision (whether to be sad or apathetic) even worse. I have yet to decide what to feel.

To make myself a bit happier, I just channel my inner bimbo most days, organizing my new closet in the condo where I am staying.
New closet, new life.

Look at all the designer bags I have amassed through the years. I know it's not a lot, but for an unfeminine woman who likes fast cars and boxing, this is too much.

I clearly need more space.


I am broke, but relieved. The upside of finally buying my freedom and paying for my rights is that (a) I now have the option of selling my old house for a profit -- maybe next year, and (b) I live alone now, in a small studio with a big bed, and I love it. I am discovering
the freedoms of living on my own rules in my own space, without the live-in distractions of my only living parent (who I really wish was dead). It is terrific.

I now know the bliss of waking up on a weekday morning to a calm home, with time to grind the beans while watching the news before facing the work day. Then there's the profound contentment of turning the key in my own door after a long day, slamming it behind me, and then drinking a glass of milk while settling down to watch DVDs in silence.

Living alone is reintroducing me to myself -- who I really am, without the pressures of parental expectations. I can't believe it took me this long to emancipate myself from a parent I always knew I could not trust. Guilt, I guess. That's all gone now. I am still dealing with issues as you can imagine, but it's getting better everyday. I was always afraid that I would turn out exactly like my father, you see. Now I know I won't, and that's a relief.

So I am learning how to cook (who knew?) and I am pretty good at it. I have this instinctive way around my compact kitchen. Lemons and sage don't look alien to me now. Maybe next month I could begin pairing food with wine. I'll be a chef before I know it. This, when everyone expected me to be a lawyer.

Meanwhile, I've been focusing on my company, the majority of which I now own (yes, I bought my father out of the company too -- completely out. He was just a nominal shareholder, anyway, so it's not a big deal). Planning is necessary, especially since I will be away to Malaysia for almost a week with my college friends.

Things are looking up from where I'm standing.


Blogger acey said...

oh gosh, i am in love with your organized closet and i am in love with your bags! and i'm happy you seem like you're enjoying your life now. :)

2:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i enjoyed the wine, the pasta, the chocolate cake, lying down in your bed like it were mine, the compact kitchen, the everything-i-need-is-within-four-walls kind of feeling. most of all, i enjoyed the conversation with you. it was one of the best we had, perhaps even better than the one we had while on a tryke ride in Batangas back in college. i think i know you better now, and i thank you for the trust.

living on your own is good for you. this is probably one of the best decisions you've made second to being a bitch and a fascist.

2:13 PM  
Blogger bismuth said...

things will be better. happiness can be found within four walls of freedom. and yes, a big bed with 300 count cotton and goose feather. and yes, in malaysia, i will remember you let me have your bed all to myself.

remember, you are a good person pushed to the limit. you did what you had to do. next time, we drink jack daniels- a more appropriate companion to sob family stories.

10:02 PM  
Blogger mussolini said...

acey> thanks. i sometimes regret purchasing some of the high-end bags (hello GDP - per capita), but in the end, they're the little 'markers' of my life, showing me where i am in the bigger scheme of le grande plan.

barry> that fateful ride.... we were 10 years younger and so hopeful then. now, we know better.

bismuth> i don't get mad - i get even. now if only i can completely turn off the guilt. next time, bring jack. introduce him to my wholesome bar refrigerator. you can introduce other important people, too *wink*

7:10 AM  
Blogger Retro Manila said...

just passin by.

so many bags you have. :)

2:28 AM  
Blogger Paulette said...

hi girl! thanks for passing by my blog.. i never thought people would actually read it hehe.. i admire you for the courage and the strength to leave your house and live on your own.. ive been wanting to do that but i cant leave my mom.. i'm an only child and my dads a seaman so he comes home only every three months. its like i dont have the choice but to stay here and be with my mom. i was getting desperate before that i almost married the wrong guy just to get out of this house.. so im really happy for you and i hope that you get the best in life!

** by the way.. i like fast cars and boxing too ;)

2:46 AM  
Blogger mussolini said...

paulette> hi :) i am an only child as well. parents expect us to stay with them. but now (a bit more than a month after the big move), i am definitely happier. i feel free -- now i can go travel whenever i want without asking for permission from a nagging parent. i can stay out all night without getting the sermon. i am finally the master of my own life, free of the ''mental slavery' that every guilt-stricken only child is subjected to. i'm sure your parents would someday understand your decision to move out (if you ever decide to do so). maybe they'll even be proud of the independent person they raised you to be :)

10:39 AM  
Blogger Paulette said...

really? wow! well my only hope as of now is to get out of the country.. that way i'll really be independent physically and emotionally.. tho my parents (actually just my mom, coz my dad is always away) are not that strict i still get this feeling of being held on the neck.. yeah i will do that too.. thanks for the words of encouragement! ;)

1:08 AM  

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