Thursday, June 26, 2008

i usually decide faster

I am in between sadness and apathy, and reading 'enlightening' books or looking at 'moving' art only seems to make my indecision (whether to be sad or apathetic) even worse. I have yet to decide what to feel.

To make myself a bit happier, I just channel my inner bimbo most days, organizing my new closet in the condo where I am staying.
New closet, new life.

Look at all the designer bags I have amassed through the years. I know it's not a lot, but for an unfeminine woman who likes fast cars and boxing, this is too much.

I clearly need more space.


I am broke, but relieved. The upside of finally buying my freedom and paying for my rights is that (a) I now have the option of selling my old house for a profit -- maybe next year, and (b) I live alone now, in a small studio with a big bed, and I love it. I am discovering
the freedoms of living on my own rules in my own space, without the live-in distractions of my only living parent (who I really wish was dead). It is terrific.

I now know the bliss of waking up on a weekday morning to a calm home, with time to grind the beans while watching the news before facing the work day. Then there's the profound contentment of turning the key in my own door after a long day, slamming it behind me, and then drinking a glass of milk while settling down to watch DVDs in silence.

Living alone is reintroducing me to myself -- who I really am, without the pressures of parental expectations. I can't believe it took me this long to emancipate myself from a parent I always knew I could not trust. Guilt, I guess. That's all gone now. I am still dealing with issues as you can imagine, but it's getting better everyday. I was always afraid that I would turn out exactly like my father, you see. Now I know I won't, and that's a relief.

So I am learning how to cook (who knew?) and I am pretty good at it. I have this instinctive way around my compact kitchen. Lemons and sage don't look alien to me now. Maybe next month I could begin pairing food with wine. I'll be a chef before I know it. This, when everyone expected me to be a lawyer.

Meanwhile, I've been focusing on my company, the majority of which I now own (yes, I bought my father out of the company too -- completely out. He was just a nominal shareholder, anyway, so it's not a big deal). Planning is necessary, especially since I will be away to Malaysia for almost a week with my college friends.

Things are looking up from where I'm standing.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

guilt and independence

In this third world country, many parents still feel very (very) bad when their children leave the nest. I know that my dad is extremely sad that I moved out, but we just don't see eye to eye on things anymore. I don't want to live with him - someone for whom I have lost respect - even if I did pay for half of the house and am the legal owner. I hate him right now for behaving like kid, and I would really rather not see him everyday.

However, I feel a profound guilt. Since my mom died, there was just the two of us. I feel like I have abandoned him, and it makes me sad.

Where/How I live now:

Still, when I replay our arguments in my head, I am convinced that moving out is best, at least for now. One day, depending on how things go, I may buy him a new house near my old house where I plan to return - I won't have to see him everyday, but I won't feel like I have completely abandoned him. If things get worse, though, I may need to completely detach myself and just never look back.

Nothing is certain yet. The only thing I am sure of right now is that I coudl not live there anymore. I need the space. I need the experience of being my own person, away from my only living parent's influence.

The thing about me is that I can be very mean and I can think of multiple ways to punish/ intimidate/make a person fear me, and I actually implement my plans. That has always been the way I did things in business, whenever necessary. With friends and family, it's different. There's always guilt. And guilt is not only unsettling - it can also be expensive. The only reason I have not evicted him from the house - which I can sell for a nice yield - is guilt.

Family is a very tricky subject, and is also very unprofitable.