I'm better than Sigmund Freud

People always come to me for advice. I don't know what it is about me – perhaps it's my solution-orientedneess, my ability to reduce problems down to simple questions answerable by 'yes' or 'no.'

It also helps that I am a brutally frank asshole. You see, most advice-givers say that they have your best interest at heart when they are really only using you to delude themselves that their lives are wonderful (unlike yours). They prolong the advice giving session, throwing profundities that leave you even more confused so that you ask more questions, so that they feel more needed, and so that they can convince themselves that they are superior to poor little you. Well, I'm not like that. I just want to give you the best possible answer at the soonest possible time, because frankly, this whole talk is a chore. I already know I'm superior. I don't need to be pedantic to prove it.

Because I am an asshole, I give the best advice. I am too self-absorbed to have any vested interest in your life, so you can trust that my advice will be solutions that will be best for you, not sugarcoated half-truths homemade with a dash of envy and a pinch of insecurity. Best of all, my solutions are realistic – they can be implemented within a given time frame. I will never give you theoretical advice. Life is too short. You want your problem solved? Do as I say.

You can't please everyone

I'm sure that at least 10 people in this world hate me. I'm not being paranoid or morbid. I'm just being realistic.

I have proven that you can exist in your own little world/play by the rules and still manage to incite hate. Don't believe the Pollyannas of this world. These optimistic retards think that if they do no wrong, they won't have any enemies. That's a big mistake.

You can pay your bills on time, donate to charity, work like a horse, stay out of other people's way, and still manage to make enemies. Someone will always hate the way you dress, that car you drive, your address, how 'perfect' your life seems, your boyfriend, your education, your new shoes. You can be fair – pay people what is due them, keep your promises, stay true to your word – and still you will be hated.

That's just the way of the world. If there was no hate, there would be too much love, and there would be no equilibrium.

How many people do you think hate you? (Don't fool yourself.)